Stop Using These 9 Phrases That Cause Anxiety

My son got a Saturday job, age 15. Wanting to earn some extra money and where better to work than where he spends most of his time and money anyway – the local skateboard shop.

He went in all by himself and asked, I was so proud.

The first day arrived, I was rushing around frantically in the morning making sure he was awake, making sure the clothes he wanted to wear that day were ready.

Asking questions like have you brushed your hair, teeth etc. – What was wrong with me, it was like I had resorted back to when he was five not fifteen. And as he was going out the door, I gave him a massive hug as my heart fluttered with anxiety about his day ahead and asked, “Have you got your water bottle filled up and packed lunch” (I had lovingly made).

It was at this moment he turned to me and said ‘Stop!’ I was confused, stop what? Then his words were ‘You are making me feel anxious.’ As he walked up the road, I was suddenly aware this was my anxiety being pushed onto him. And it was as simple as that!

When he returned home, he’d had a lovely day and continued to work there until he left to go off to college. Me – I had spent the day pacing the house thinking/overthinking how I’d made him feel.

My lesson was learnt, we must allow our children to grow from positive and negative experiences. Reflecting back, I thought I was helping him but instead, I was getting in his way of developing skills and life lessons.

It is easy to forget the impact our words can have on our children.

The language we use can make all the difference in their anxiety levels.

Here are nine examples of phrases to avoid using:

1."Don't worry" - This phrase may be well-intentioned, but it can come across as dismissive and invalidating of your child's feelings.

2. "There's nothing to be afraid of" - Telling your child that there's nothing to be afraid of may not be helpful, as their fears may be very real to them.

3. "Calm down" - This phrase can be counterproductive and make your child feel like their feelings are not valid.

4. "Stop overthinking" - This statement can make your child feel like their anxiety is their fault or something they can easily control.

5. "You're being irrational" - This phrase can be hurtful and make your child feel like their anxiety is not legitimate.

6. "You're making a big deal out of nothing" - This phrase can make your child feel like their anxiety is not important and that they are overreacting.

7. "Just relax" - This statement can be unhelpful as it oversimplifies the complexity of anxiety.

8. "You're too sensitive" - This phrase can make your child feel like their feelings are wrong or abnormal.

9. “Don’t be silly” - This comment will shame them and make them lack self-worth.

Instead of using these phrases, parents should try to listen to their child's concerns and confirm their feelings.

They can also offer reassurance and support, and help their child come up with coping strategies to manage their anxiety.

Be aware the children always remember the negative comments said to them. The throwaway comments that as a parent you thought you were using as a tough love technique, trying to brush over an issue, or even allowing your own frustration to creep in and verbalising it at them.

These comments will only make your child feel isolated and not understood. Comments like these only serve to feed their anxiety.

Just being more mindful of how we speak to our children can have an enormous impact on them.

This can also work the other way. Expressing our own anxiety or stress can have massive effects on them.

When we are rushing, worrying, or panicking will make them feel anxious and on high alert.

You are their safe space.

You are the one they look to for support. If you are worried the message to them is – danger.

It’s a gentle balance of positive communication and being their strength when needed yet allowing them the space to grow.

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