Why Do Children Refuse to Leave Their Rooms?

A widespread problem parents have is getting their children/teenagers out of their rooms and engaging with the family or outdoor activities.

First, it is important to understand why.

Struggling with an anxiety disorder feels awful, there is a constant feeling of fear and pure dread. This makes us feel weak and has a massive impact on our self-esteem. No one wants to feel like this, so we naturally seek solace where we feel safe.

Anxiety triggers every cell in the body. Screaming at us to retreat for self-preservation. Our brain and body are geared up for survival, it is the number one priority.

So, if your child is feeling unsafe or worried about something to the point that it fills them with pure dread, where can they go to find peace and feel safe? For most children that is their bedroom.

Children cannot always control their environment, and this alone can feed their anxiety. But they usually can control their bedrooms. It is a place that even most parents respect as their child's own, somewhere they can relax, play, and do what they want. A place where they can escape from everyone else.

While the child is happy, content and feels safe in this situation, the body will calm and reaffirm to the brain: “This is safe, I must stay here to keep safe.”

Repeated behaviour after a period becomes habitual and the comfort zone shrinks quickly. The child learns they are safe and in control in their bedroom, so why would they leave?

If they do venture out, they encounter the voices of parents saying things like “Why don’t you go out more?” or ‘” Do this and that.” They will probably retreat more to avoid the awkward conversation and pressure from a well-meaning parent trying to encourage their child to go out to play or get fresh air.

We can’t just throw them out, nag them or punish them, this will also feed their anxiety and take away their only safe space. If this happens, we are at risk of them finding less healthy coping mechanisms.

An enthusiastic adult is key. A positive role model that teaches through example and involvement. Helping them to get involved by doing things together as a family that you all enjoy.

An enriched environment, being present with each other like a walk around a country park or woodland.

New experiences or activities like paddleboarding together or camping.

As parents, we moan all the time that our children spend too much time gaming or on social media but if we take this away, we need to replace it with something.

Think of ideas your children would enjoy depending on their personality. If they enjoy it, they are more likely to be good at it. If they are good at something and practice it, their self-esteem grows. Their comfort zone will grow, and they’ll be open to new ideas in the future.

This way you are helping them develop their brain into seeing new experiences as a positive and not something that should be avoided.

Ask them what they would like to do, and where they would like to go, give them choices, even if it’s just helping a grandparent in the garden or even sitting with you as a parent enjoying a comedy together in the lounge, it’s a step in the right direction.

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