Answer from Anxend experts

We appreciate you reaching out to us! Dealing with aggressive behaviour that endangers the safety of yourself or others can create substantial stress.  

While this situation may be uncomfortable, it's important to remember that you are not alone! It is not uncommon for teenagers to lash out and display aggressive behaviour towards their parents, and we are here to help! 

This is a tough time for your child as he has just become a teenager and his emotional life is a constant roller coaster! 

During this stage, they experience a period of rapid physical, emotional, and cognitive transformations. They are in the process of exploring their own identity, independence, and emotions, which can result in heightened frustration and challenges in regulating their emotions.

Consequently, emotional conflicts may arise, with adolescents grappling to manage their emotions and resorting to aggression is often a means for self-expression or as a coping mechanism to deal with overwhelming feelings like anger, sadness, or fear, as they may not have developed effective coping strategies or problem-solving skills at this point. 

Various factors, including environment, communication, and mental health issues such as stress, trauma, or anxiety, can contribute to behaviour. It is crucial to acknowledge that every child is unique, and the motives behind their aggressive behaviour can differ. Also, recognizing that behaviour typically serves as an expression of an underlying issue rather than being the issue itself is essential, and therefore, the initial step in addressing and reversing this behaviour is to identify the root causes so that it can be effectively addressed. 

If your son is feeling anxious, it's likely that his behaviour is driven by stress, frustration, fears, confusion, and conflict. In this state, he's operating from his survival brain, where his only response seems to be defence. This can manifest as fighting, fleeing, or freezing in the face of a situation. Moreover, throughout the day, he might be trying hard to keep his emotions and reactions in check, but once he's back home where he feels safe, it all comes pouring out and he unleashes it all on you. 

Here's a few tips in how to tackle his behaviour:  

• Create a calm and safe environment at home – children are emotional sponges and absorb every emotion around them. We all have very rushed and stressful lives, and wanting or not, our behaviour is what molds our children’s behaviour, therefore it is important that we allow ourselves time to ground and regulate our emotions before engaging with others as well as to keep realistic expectations and clear instructions/routines that are easy to understand and follow.  

• Don’t feed or react to his anger – don’t let his fear control you, instead, remain calm and try to understand his needs, what is he trying to communicate? What does he want from you? If he is lashing out because he has had a bad day, validate his feelings, remind him that you are there for him, and reassure him that it is ok to feel like that sometimes. This will help him to regulate his emotions. 

• Communicate effectively - Once he calms down, be open and express your vulnerability in a healthy way. Talk about what happened, empathise with his feelings, and explain how his behaviour is making you feel. Use positive talk and emphasise his qualities and strengths to remind him of who he is and give him a different perspective of thought. This will allow him to reflect on his behaviour. 

• Understand that conflict is a natural part of life, and our children will challenge us – children want what they want, exactly when they want it, and parents often have to set limits or say the dreaded word “no”. If he is challenging your boundaries, be firm but kind. Explain to him why you have these boundaries, and always emphasize that boundaries exist because he is loved, and you care for his safety. Engage in a conversation that allows you both to reflect on your boundaries and his expectations. By doing this, you are teaching him how to negotiate and solve conflict.  

Handling teenagers is never an easy road, if you suspect that your son’s behaviour is outside the norm for someone his age, we advise you to investigate the root causes and to seek support for you and your child.  

Take our free 2-minute anxiety test, it will help you understand your child’s current anxiety level.

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