Anxious or Difficult Children?
Tantrums out of nowhere, slamming doors, threats, throwing things at you, physically hurting you. Then as quickly as they started, they stop, followed perhaps by tears, embarrassment, shame?
Does this sound familiar to you? Seeing your child transform in front of your eyes, behaving like they are possessed. Leaving us wondering where on earth this version of our child came from.
We might ask ourselves, what have I done to deserve this? What have I done wrong? Is it my fault? Should I have seen this coming?
The answers we get from family and friends are often the same:
“It’s a phase”
“Your child is rebelling.”
“It is all the screen time”
“They need discipline/Routine/Structure”
“Autism?” “ADHD?”
And if you were like us, it felt like nobody knew what was wrong or why your world was falling apart. Even the pastoral care teams and GPs you turn to don’t have a solution.
At times I almost wished the doctors would find something to diagnose. Deep down it would have made me feel better to know that it wasn’t something I was doing as a parent that was causing this.
I am here to reassure you that no matter how hard you try when a child has adrenaline levels that are wildly elevated by anxiety, there is no magical off switch.
You cannot just switch it off.
In the moment, you do wish you could. The experience must be terrifying for them. I certainly wished I could just wrap up my child and comfort them.
To understand what it must feel like for them, try to remember the one thing that made you the most frightened you have ever been in your life. Remember how it felt. How it triggered your body to change. Think of the feeling in the pit of your stomach, the taste of it in the back of your throat, your heart racing out of control.
Now imagine feeling that level of fear, it is real, it is all-consuming, but you have no idea why you are scared. There is no imminent danger, and there is no physical reason for you to feel this way, yet you are petrified to your core. Your hands are sweaty, your heart is beating hard in the back of your throat and the feeling that you want to vomit it is so real.
Now imagine that your child has been feeling like this all day at school. Using all their strength and courage to contain the urge to lash out and scream. They get home. They are tired and worn out. It won’t take much for them to snap. Those closest to them will have to bear the brunt of the eruption.
How do we help them when our own resilience is wearing thin?
The only way out is to learn. Learn that this is not your child’s problem, this is a family problem. Learn that to help your child, their environment needs to change. Learn how to create an environment that supports their anxieties by eliminating the factors that raise their adrenaline levels in the home.
And whilst it requires great patience and commitment, be reassured there is hope. Life-changing behaviour changes are possible, and family life can be brought back to a healthier place for all of you.
The 3 most important steps are:
As parents, you need to learn what is going on, and how anxiety affects our children
Understand that some children may require different parenting, even within the same family
Listen to your children and work together
The most frightening thing for us has been realising just how many families are struggling with the same problem. All trying to do their best and not able to find the support they need.
You are not alone, when you understand what is going on you will be able to support your child so that they don’t have to continue their struggle alone either.
The first step is the hardest, by reading this blog and looking through our site we hope you find some practical advice and shared experience that can help you towards the solutions you are looking for.
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