The First Month Check-In: Navigating School Jitters After the Dust Settles
As we all know, a lot can happen in a day, let alone a month! It is so important to be mindful of how your child is coping with school life, especially when having such a long break and then returning to something that increases anxiety levels in them.
For those parents that work, we all know how it feels to have a week or two’s holiday and then return to an environment that might not be fulfilling… Imagine having at least a six-week break and returning to something that can be stressful and overwhelming!
Once the excitement of seeing missed friends is over, reality dawns and it’s back to work; for the forthcoming academic year students might be under pressure to take SATS, choose GCSE topics, or be in the final GCSE or A Level year.
On top of these pressures, your child might be struggling to fit in, not have many or no friends, feel overwhelmed in busy corridors or easily embarrassed when not understanding something in class.
Moving from a relatively small primary school to a much larger secondary school can be very daunting; imagine coming from being ‘a big fish in a small pond’ to becoming a ‘small fish in a big pond’ within one academic day! As a comparison, for some parents, it might feel like a significant demotion at work.
The first days and month are crucial to ensuring this is a good settling-in period for your child at school; any issues need to be resolved as soon as possible to ensure thoughts do not become permanent beliefs which become emotions and lead to limiting behaviour, such as not wanting to go out or even go to school.
Some children are open books whilst others are more insular and believe they can resolve situations themselves. The good ol’ saying, “A problem shared is a problem halved” is so true… we all enjoy a chat with a good friend and feel so much better when we have discussed a problem with them. If your child does not have ‘that’ friend to offload to, then you, as their parent, are that ‘friend.’
You may not realise that 90% of your today thoughts are actually yesterday’s… if an issue you had yesterday was not resolved, then you will carry it over to today and tomorrow and the next day until a new thought process takes its place.
Mulling something over and over and over is not going to help anyone, especially if that thought is negative; that thought will eventually turn into a belief that may or may not be true or self-serving. “I feel left out” might turn into “I am not going to school ever again.”
Recognising Signs that Settling in Is Still a ‘Work in Progress’
‘Only a parent truly knows their child’ and, as a parent, if you do not feel that statement is true for you, then it is time to get to know your child. A good way to get to know your child is to spend time with them, talk, listen and be non-judgemental about anything said.
To help you recognise typical anxiety-related behaviours, look out for the following in your child;
Becoming short-tempered, answering back or being plain belligerent in their attitude. Your child may be involved in uncharacteristic fights or incidents at school: this is due to the fffr (flight fight freeze response) when the body is flooded with adrenaline and cortisol (a stress hormone) and there is no obvious way for your child to burn it off.
Worrying about the smallest detail, for instance, coming out with lots of ‘what if…’ questions. When the mind is in a state of trying to ‘find danger,’ everything becomes a potential source of that danger.
Making excuses to not go out with friends after school or at the weekend. With senses being heightened for a lengthy period at school, your child may already be feeling overwhelmed and, therefore, needs a peaceful environment to allow themselves to be desensitized.
Spending increasing amounts of time in their bedroom in self-imposed solitary confinement; again, to desensitise and unwind.
Not joining in family activities when they used to as they prefer to be alone or demotivated to do anything. It is common for individuals suffering from anxiety to develop low self-esteem as their thoughts are operating in the negative to find potential danger; there isn’t any perceived threat in a positive thought.
Not wanting to eat breakfast before going to school and perhaps complaining about having a sore tummy. Not feeling like eating might extend into other meals of the day. nervousness in the tummy can actually be the body diverting blood flow to essential organs in readiness for ‘action’ and the stomach is not considered by the body to be an essential organ.
Running to the toilet more often than usual. When your child is full of anxiety, it is normal for the body to want to rid itself of any unwanted waste in readiness of needing to escape any perceived danger.
Not being able to get to sleep or stay asleep due to racing thoughts brought on by anxiety. You know yourself when you have a worry on your mind, it is hard to quieten those thoughts to be able to slow the mind down in readiness for sleep.
Is complaining of feeling tired all the time, which can be due to overstimulation of being ‘on guard for a lengthy period or a lack of quality sleep, as mentioned above.
Complaining of having repeated and uncharacteristic headaches. In this situation, it is always advised to consult with your GP and/or optician to ensure there is not an underlying condition causing headaches.
Every child is different; however, the list above goes some way to recognising your child may not be settling into school life as well as you had hoped and how anxiety might be affecting them. It is important to act now!
Tips for Parents
During and after the first few months of a new academic year, make yourself more available to your child. Make a point of asking your child;
How are you?
How are you settling into school?
What are you enjoying?
What is not going so well for you?
How are your friends getting on? Any friendship issues may arise here.
What is your teacher(s) like? This will help you ascertain how your child is getting on with their teacher and will give you a hint as to how much they will enjoy learning the topic. We all remember our favourite and least favourite teachers!
In short, ask open questions to give your child the opportunity to get whatever is on their mind off their chest.
Time is one of the greatest healers and gifts you can give your child… listen to the language your child is using for instance:
Jimmy: “Everyone says I’m rubbish at football.”
Parent: “Everyone?”
Jimmy: “Well, Tim said I was rubbish because I missed a goal.”
Parent: “So it was just Tim and not ‘everyone’?”
Jimmy: “Yes, I suppose so…”
When feeling anxious, it is common for your child to use exaggerated language because they are feeling the weight of the world on their shoulders; it is hard to reason or have a true perspective when you are feeling overwhelmed and stressed.
Giving your child perspective without undermining their feelings can help your child gain a truer outlook on what is bothering them.
Routine is also important, so your child knows where their boundaries are set, and the brain is receiving the signal it is time to switch off and go to sleep.
A good sleep routine is essential and 8 to 9 hours sleep is recommended. If your child is waking up tired, it would be good to look at how sleep can be improved, for instance, no watching TV or being on the phone an hour before sleep (white light indicates to the brain it is time to get up) or setting the routine earlier in the evening. A bath before bed can be relaxing. Discuss with your child how they can be helped to get a better night’s sleep.
Develop a good relationship with your child’s teacher(s) and school in order to keep open a good communication channel. Ensure you go to parents’ evenings so you can discuss how your child is settling in and what areas of concern there might be.
Please ensure you are on time for such events… it sends a signal that your child is worthy of being on time for; slots can be missed by not being punctual and it does affect your child’s self-esteem, even if they pretend otherwise.
Deep down your child might be thinking, “My parent(s) aren’t interested in me,” especially if they are feeling anxious. Remember… they are focussing on the negative if anxious. Ask the teacher questions, for instance, “How is Jimmy settling in?” “Do you have any concerns?” “Is there anything we can be doing to help them?”
In Conclusion
We all lead busy lives; however, it is important to make our child a priority to ensure they are settling into school positively. Especially after the first month of the start of an academic year, ‘check in’ with your child to ensure they are coping well. Children spend a good proportion of their growing life at school and, if it is a miserable experience for them, it can be a long haul that affects them in the future.
If you discover your child is finding school to be an endurance test filled with anxiety, it is important to seek help for them. Being anxious can develop into a disorder where it becomes a habit, a learnt behaviour filled with fear, and this does not need to be the case when taught coping strategies.
Living a life as continually walking down a dark alley alone is no fun for anyone. We, at Anxend, work with families to help teach coping strategies when feeling anxious so the ‘light’ can be turned on and the alley is no longer dark for your child.
