Together Through Loss: Helping Your Family Cope with Grief

When we lose someone whether it’s through death or a loss of a friendship/relationship through rejection we can go from a place of contentment and happiness to instant sadness. 

The pain of loss is as painful as physical pain as it activates the pain centre in the brain and deactivates chemicals that make us feel good like all is well. 

This can make us feel angry and hostile, bio-chemically this makes sense. Anger blocks empathy. We can only give empathy when we feel safe and secure. 

Grief is a change we were not ready or prepared for and can be seen as love with nowhere to go. We can go into ourselves to protect ourselves from further hurt or pain. 

You can become quite defensive; this helps us to not feel others' pain while we are already feeling overwhelmed with our own. 

The shock of the news can trigger the fight, flight and freeze response as we try to work out how we can continue going forward without that person in our life. 

Everyone will grieve in different ways, and it will take some people longer than others. Grief can affect our appetite, develop insomnia, make us struggle to find pleasure in things that would normally bring joy and even weaken our immune system. 

Teenagers respond from their emotions and are not able to make rational sense of the situation due to their brain development therefore find it extra difficult to cope with grief. This is how parents can help. 

We need to show our children how to grieve well, this is taught behaviour. Showing empathy and talking with your child will help them to make sense of and come to terms with their loss. Validating their feeling will support them in a way where they feel heard and loved.  

If the grief is through the death of a loved one, it is important for the child to know it was not their fault and there was nothing they could have done. Some children have guilt for not spending enough time with that person when they had the opportunity. Reassure your child that their time together was precious. Learn new ways to stay connected by talking about happy memories you shared together. 

The sadness that comes with grief is an emotion. Emotion comes and goes in waves. Over time we learn to grow around the grief. 

Most teenagers will experience loss of friendships or their first relationship/love. These years are difficult to navigate. 

Angry teenagers do not need punishment, they need to feel again. We can’t expect teenagers to practice empathy and kindness if they haven’t been shown it. 

Part of the grieving process is the brain overthinking while it tries to make sense of the loss. Constantly querying ‘What could I have done, what did I do or do wrong’ or even ‘I wish I could turn back time’. 

Remember you are not your emotions; sadness will pass. 

Talking about your loss will help you come to terms with the new normal as you can reflect and release your emotions rather than bottling them up.  

Continue to practice the activities that would normally bring you joy and with time you will find pleasure once again. 

Knowing it’s okay to feel sad and miss someone. Spending time with loved ones and having a good cry is a nice release. Tears actually contain a protein linked to endorphins, the natural pain relief hormone. 

Encourage your child to reach out if ever they need to talk and ensure you are available when they are. 

My first memory of grief as a child was my pet cat. I truly loved my cat. I received my cat as a kitten not long after my family home split. My dad, sister and eldest brother stayed in one home while myself, mother and other brothers moved and lived a 4-hour drive away. I missed my siblings so much. I went through the loss of family members and best friends as the change of school was also required. 

My new pet kitten gave me so much comfort at that time. She grew into a cat and as she grew so did my love for her. Always a friendly little face to meet after my challenging day trying to fit into a new school. 

So when she was hit by a car and died my heart was broken. I cried so much; I missed her so much. I had so much love for her with nowhere to go, this was a change I wasn’t prepared for. 

But of course, in the scale of things going on around me at the time with the adults – divorce and single parenting challenges, the death of a pet cat was minor in their view. I remember the words ‘it’s only a cat, we can get another one’. 

The waves of grief would be overwhelming at times, and I would completely withdraw to avoid these comments. Nobody talked about it unless they were telling me not to be so silly. 

Twenty years on my next grief hit which was a very close family member. As I wasn’t taught to grieve well as a child, I managed this very badly. My taught behaviour and thought process was ‘Don’t be silly, you must be strong’ so I refused to talk about it and remained strong for the rest of the family (or so I thought). I wouldn’t allow myself to grieve if I couldn’t get back up. I had a toddler; I was pregnant and my Mother was falling to pieces. I had to suck it up and keep going. 

Seven years on this technique caught up with me. I had to face the grief, talk about it and move forward positively. It wasn’t easy but talking helped, reflecting on the happy times I had shared with that loved one and doing things that they would have enjoyed doing with me and the children like feeding the ducks on the lake. Lighting a candle on anniversaries and feeling grateful for having known such a wonderful person. 

Grief is never easy. I learnt so much from my personal experience. I can only hope if it comes to it, I will be able to teach my children how to grieve well and move forward positively. 

Never bottle it up, please reach out to a trusted friend or family member. Seek professional help if you are struggling. But most importantly, be kind to yourself. 

If you know someone who is struggling with grief, please talk to them about it. Ask them if they wish to talk. Listen with no judgement. Kindness and compassion are key. 

We can avoid people or the subject of grief to prevent upsetting them. This is not the way. Be their safe space for them to have a release and feel love again. 

P.S I have two beautiful cats now.