Question from a concerned parent
“My daughter is 12 and keeps telling me she does not want to be here anymore, she stays in her room and listens to sad music, I don’t know what to do anymore. Please help me.”
Answer from Anxend experts
Thank you for reaching out to us. We understand that this is a challenging situation to face and digest. While it is not uncommon for young people to experience and exhibit symptoms such as dark thoughts and withdrawal, it is crucial to identify the root causes of their behaviour.
There is no one-size-fits-all answer to your question as the reasons can be many and vary among young people, but there are some common causes that lead to withdrawal and dark thoughts.
Common causes that lead to withdrawal & dark thoughts:
Fear and anxiety: High levels of fear and anxiety can lead to withdrawal as individuals may feel overwhelmed or unable to cope with certain situations or social interactions.
Depression: Feelings of sadness, hopelessness, and a lack of interest or pleasure in activities can contribute to withdrawal and dark thoughts.
Rejection and social isolation: Experiences of rejection, exclusion, or feeling socially isolated can lead to a withdrawal from social interactions and a negative impact on mental well-being.
Poor self-esteem: Low self-esteem can contribute to negative thoughts and a withdrawal from social situations, as individuals may feel unworthy or believe they will be judged or rejected by others.
Bullying: Persistent bullying can have severe psychological effects, leading to withdrawal and the development of dark thoughts as a means of coping with the distress.
Dysfunctional family or friendship dynamics: Unhealthy relationships or conflicts within family or friendship circles can contribute to feelings of withdrawal and negativity.
These causes can interact and overlap, and each individual's experience is unique, therefore, the first step is to identify the root causes for their behaviour, and for that we recommend that you seek professional help to assess your child’s situation and provide appropriate support and guidance.
If you feel like your child’s behaviour may be linked to anxiety but are unsure, take our free anxiety assessment to find out.
Why do children isolate in their rooms?
Social withdrawal, characterized by reducing interactions with others, can act as both a symptom and a contributing factor to anxiety, and it often represents an escalation of pre-existing anxiety symptoms. Unfortunately, when this behavior emerges, people may mistakenly perceive the child as being rude or misbehaving, but this is not the case at all. The truth is that their brain at this stage is still very immature, and emotions can take a toll on their mental health as they may not yet possess the necessary emotional tools to effectively navigate the intense feelings they experience on a daily basis.
Furthermore, this period marks a significant transition as they move from their primary school years and childhood into a more "adult world." They are faced with increased expectations, responsibilities, and demands, while perceiving minimal rewards from their perspective.
Navigating pre-adolescence is far from easy; in fact, it presents significant challenges. During this period, children undergo profound brain development and encounter rapid physical, emotional, and cognitive transformations.
As they embark on the journey of self-discovery, seeking independence and learning to navigate their emotions, pre-adolescents often find themselves overwhelmed. This can result in heightened frustration and challenges in effectively regulating their emotions. Consequently, their emotions may intensify, giving rise to conflicts and prompting children to withdraw as a coping mechanism in the face of overwhelming feelings like anger, sadness, or fear.
Remember, at this point, their brain is still very immature, and they may not have fully developed the necessary coping strategies or problem-solving skills to handle these emotions effectively.
Additionally, there are multiple factors that can influence behavior, including environmental factors, communication patterns, and mental health issues such as stress, trauma, or anxiety. It's important to understand that every child is unique, and the motivations behind their behavior can vary.
It is also crucial to recognize that behavior is often a manifestation of an underlying issue rather than the issue itself.
As mentioned before, the initial step to address and reverse this behavior is to identify the root causes so that it can be effectively addressed.
Where do dark thoughts come from?
Furthermore, young people who experience anxiety, or other mental health difficulties, often feel a strong need to isolate themselves from others. They do so by withdrawing into their own rooms, or safe places, retreating to their rooms, or isolating themselves, which can be “seen” as a coping mechanism to deal with overwhelming feelings, it can inadvertently provide the ideal environment to fuel negative and dark thoughts and intensify the symptoms of anxiety.
When they are in solitude, they are confined within their own minds without external distractions, leaving them vulnerable to their own thoughts. Unfortunately, these thoughts can often grow in intensity and become adversarial, feeding the cycle of self-criticism and pessimistic thinking.
When they are in solitude, they are confined within their own minds without external distractions, leaving them vulnerable to their own thoughts. Unfortunately, these thoughts can often grow in intensity and become adversarial, feeding the cycle of self-criticism and pessimistic thinking.
This cycle gives rise to a three-part response that encompasses thoughts (our internal self-talk), physical symptoms (the bodily sensations we experience), and behaviours (our actions or what we do), and these three components operate in a continuous loop, with each part interacting and reciprocally influencing the others.
So, because it goes in loops, it is very hard, if not impossible, for your child to “pull themselves together” if they’re dealing with these issues as they don’t know how to break the cycle.
Breaking the cycle requires guidance and support. As a parent, it is crucial for you to be available and understanding, seeking to comprehend what your child is going through.
Dark thoughts can stem from a range of factors and experiences, with negative self-perception being a significant contributor. This includes low self-esteem, feelings of worthlessness, or a negative self-image, which can fuel a cycle of self-criticism and pessimistic thinking.
Unfortunately, this negative self-image and cycle of self-criticism is not difficult to be triggered in today's society, where the social media pressure and unrealistic standards of physical appearance are non-stop, and will, at some point overwhelm and make young individuals feel unworthy.
This is particularly evident among girls, who often face immeasurable pressure in relation to their appearance.
How to communicate with your child:
It can be quite daunting for a child to open up and share their feelings with you. If they do take that courageous step, please keep in mind the following:
Take their feelings seriously. They may have taken a big risk in telling you, and it’s important that they feel heard.
Let them know you’re really glad they’ve told you. This will help to reassure any worries they have about how you will react, or what you might be thinking.
Listen and empathise with just how bad things are. If you can, use their own words to reflect how they might be feeling.
Try not to fix or downplay feelings, focusing at first on providing emotional support and letting them talk for as long as they need to.
Think together about what’s making them feel this way. Try to get a sense of what they feel has brought them to a place where things are so bad, and whether there are changes that could be made in their lives to help things feel better.
Reassure them that you are there for them and they’re not alone, you can find support together and they can talk to you about these thoughts whenever they need to.
Moreover, if at any point you feel that your child is suicidal, or at risk, please know that there are services available to help you.
Here are several crisis services available to you:
A&E: If your child is at immediate risk of harm to themselves or others then please take them straight to A&E.
Hope Line UK: works with those that struggle with thoughts about ending their life. It is a specialist telephone service staffed by trained professionals who give non-judgemental support, practical advice and information to children, teenagers and young people up to the age of 35 who are worried about how they are feeling or anyone who is concerned about a young person. The helpline can be contacted via telephone (0800 068 41 41), email (pat@papyrus-uk.org) or SMS (07786 209697)
Samaritans: Tel: 116 123 (24hr) - www.samaritans.org - Online and telephone support for young people and families
ChildLine, Tel: 0800 1111
Extended Hope, out of hours: 01483 517898
All of these are merely suggestions aiming to assist you in comprehending the underlying message your child is attempting to express through self-critical statements and/or withdrawing behaviours. If you feel that your child may need a risk assessment, please seek professional help.
At Anxend, we provide an Assessment Programme designed to offer a comprehensive and thorough evaluation of your child's behaviour and anxiety levels. Through this programme, you can gain valuable insights into your child's emotional well-being and better understand their specific challenges related to anxiety.
Remember, as difficult as this situation may be, you’re not alone, we are here to help
Ana Pereira
Lead Psychologist
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