Question from a concerned parent
“My daughter is 11, I can not get her to go to school. She will not get out of bed, she cries, screams and panics when I try and force her to go. The school is threatening to report me to social care for not getting her to school, they are not helping me. I don’t know what to do, I need to go to work and can not leave my daughter at home alone......please help me, what do I do?”
Answer from Anxend experts
We appreciate you reaching out to us. School refusal is an issue that many families are encountering more frequently nowadays, and it can be a distressing experience. Having your child refuse to go to school can be heart-wrenching, and it undoubtedly brings about feelings of frustration and stress.
It can also be physically and emotionally draining, especially during the mornings when you have to navigate their emotions while fulfilling your own responsibilities, such as work.
Even if you manage to bring your child to the school gate, you may experience a mix of emotions, knowing the challenges they will face throughout the day or anticipating a similar struggle the next morning.
We understand the roller coaster of emotions that comes with this situation and are here to help.
What is school refusal?
School refusal is closely tied to anxiety, and it frequently arises when a child faces significant levels of anxiety that make it challenging for them to attend school.
Emphasizing the emotional and mental health factors at play, school refusal is also referred to as emotionally-based school avoidance (EBSA). This term highlights that this avoidance is rooted in emotional well-being and mental health concerns.
Young people can feel anxious about school for various reasons, but at the core of their concerns is often a sense of fear and feeling overwhelmed.
Some common factors include challenges with social integration or making friends, experiences of bullying or teasing, difficulties in understanding schoolwork or lessons, pressure to meet certain learning expectations, difficulties in relationships with teachers or peers, and even a school environment that doesn't suit their needs and adds stress from the pressure to conform.
Understanding the underlying causes of their anxiety is crucial to provide the necessary support to help them overcome their challenges and return to school. However, identifying these underlying causes can be challenging since children often lack the emotional maturity to openly discuss their worries or express their fears.
Also, when a child experiences anxiety, they often find themselves living in a perpetual state of fear, constantly worried about what the future holds.
They feel overwhelmed and struggle to make sense of the intense emotional turmoil that overwhelms their mind and body.
In response, their anxiety triggers a fight, flight, or freeze response, placing them in a constant state of survival mode. Consequently, they may feel vulnerable, and hypervigilant, and find it challenging to trust others or openly discuss their problems.
What can you do?
The first step is to seek help – School refusal is rooted in anxiety and therefore a thorough assessment to get a deeper understanding of the underlying factors contributing to school refusal is crucial.
Once this knowledge is acquired, support and guidance can be put in place to effectively address your child's specific needs.
The sooner you do it, the better as the longer they stay away from school, the more challenging it becomes to reintegrate them back into the educational environment.
Create a calm and nurturing environment for the child – Anxious children are usually on edge most of the time. Setting up a calm and peaceful environment can make them feel safe and secure, which lowers their stress levels.
It also helps them feel more comfortable and at ease, making it easier for them to open up and have conversations.
Ask questions - It's likely that your child is in desperate need of help but finds it difficult to express their worries and fears due to fear of being misunderstood or judged.
Take the initiative to ask your child what is troubling them and be ready to listen and validate their worries and feelings. Let them know that you are there to help and that they have your unconditional support.
Team up with the school – Reach out to the school and communicate with them to understand what may be triggering your child's anxiety.
Collaborate with the school to develop a plan that will provide the necessary support for your child.
If you encounter challenges in working with the school, we can assist by providing a comprehensive report on your child's emotional well-being and mental health needs to help them better understand and address the situation.
All of these are merely suggestions aiming to assist you in comprehending the underlying message your child is attempting to express through their behaviors. If you feel that your child may be at risk, please seek professional help.
Remember, as difficult as this situation may be, you’re not alone, we are here to help
Ana Pereira
Lead Psychologist
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